Love to Hate
by Mecha Scorpion
Summary: What did I have in the end, except love? I loved how everyone thought of me as a hero, a good example. I loved how I was so desirable. But I never loved anyone. I just loved their love of me.


I thought my life was about love.

Not unconditional love, cause how can you possibly anticipate every condition that might challenge your love? No, the impermanence of love is one of its primary qualities, and now I know it's something that must be worked for.

When I fought Robotnik, running circles around him in his weapon robot du jour, I didn't see my own fear, or my anger or hate, because I didn't think it was about the two of us fighting. I thought that I was fighting for everything, for the future of those poor souls that he would make into robots or kill or enslave if he was allowed to go unchecked. At least, that was what I had convinced myself.

Or maybe they convinced me. A hero is someone who devotes his life to something more than himself. They told me I was a hero, and I bought into it. I liked the idea that I wasn't selfish, but selfless. I was providing a service to these people. More; I was allowing them their lives.

I thought I loved those people. Why else would I fight for them? It had been so cemented in my mind that I was fighting for them that I didn't bother to question that. I just assumed that the reason I did what I did was because those people meant something to me.

I didn't just do it for love of a bunch of anonymous civilians who I'd never see. I loved Tails. He was like my little brother, and I could see all the potential in him, potential that I either squandered or never had. I made the most of my abilities, but there were some things that I'd never relive again because of my choices. You could say that I lived vicariously through Tails sometimes, whenever I wanted a break from being such a _hero _all the time.

And I loved Amy. She was a pest sometimes, and a lot more devoted to me than I would care for, but her flaws only made her more appealing. Her flaws made me feel as if I would be helping her and myself by running away. I felt like if she could just learn from her mistakes, she might become someone I could settle down with once my high-speed hero days were over. But no, she never learned, convinced that I was the one at fault. The basis of our relationship was the hope that we could correct the other's flaws through routine… maybe if one of us had changed.

I can't say I ever really loved anyone else. I can't say I loved you. You were a rival figure of sorts, although not like Shadow. I never had any real connection with Shadow, outside of our shared enjoyment of the competition the other represented. You were like that friend that we all used to have. We'd have races from the bus stop back home with, and we'd banter with so much that it sounded like the two of us were enemies. But really, that was the basis of my relationship with Shadow, too, although with him it was more serious.

It wasn't much of an epiphany, when it came. Just a normal thought process from everyone's favorite blue hedgehog. I thought, what is the basis of love? What makes my adventures, if that's what you want to call them, fueled by my love of things? After all, that was what I had said they were all about.

I decided to work with each of my individual relationships first. I thought about how I loved Tails. It was because I recognized myself in him, a younger version of myself that was lost to me. I loved Amy because she was a challenge in a battlefield I was unfamiliar with. Of course, her obsession with me didn't hurt. But then I got around to thinking; why do I love those people that I save every day?

I couldn't think of any reason.

I took pleasure from their safety and security, but I didn't love that. So what made me fight for them? If I didn't love the way they benefited from my actions on their behalf, why did I do it? I must have enjoyed it for some other reason, to justify the way I provide them with that service…

And it hit me, as sure and swift as one of Knuckles' fists. The same sense of dizziness followed. But that's what happens when your whole motivation and life's philosophy is uprooted in one stroke in a moment of quiet introspection.

I had never loved anything but myself.

I had loved Tails because he was like me at a young age. He was the closest thing I had to those earlier years, and I seized onto him. He was all I had from that time. But I'd known that all along. What kept me from loving him like a little brother?

Because I didn't care about his inventions, or his genius, unless it benefited me. The only time I had ever appreciated his hours spent in that shack of a laboratory was when they had saved my life. I loved myself, and so I loved him for keeping me alive… and keeping my childhood alive.

Was I becoming as cynical as Shadow? Did I want a reason to doubt myself, so I could overcome it and be even more of a hero? I thought about Amy next.

I didn't really love her that much. I loved the attention she paid me, and how she loved me. I only loved her because she was a challenge. She represented something that I could have so easily, but yet not attain it the way I wanted. I loved the idea of her, the idea of someone who loved me as much as I did. It was all my way of justifying my own egocentrism.

And the people… I loved the idea of people who loved me, true. I loved the thought of people who would praise all my accomplishments, without me having to change one bit. So I was left with nothing but love of myself, and the love of people who were like me or gave me more reason to love myself.

So was my life still about love? It was love for myself rather than for others, but still love. Was my life all about how great I was? I realized it wasn't.

My life was defeating Robotnik, saving the day, being a hero. No, not a hero, for I only fought for myself one way or another. That was my life. I loved myself, but that wasn't part of my life. What did I love so much about myself, if not my life? Was it my personality, my sense of self? Probably, but that was made what it was because of my life experiences. So I thought to myself; what made me so lovable?

It was my hate. My hate for restraints and limits, my hate of my own fears and insecurities, my hate of Robotnik grinning at me time and time again, my hatred of the possibility that I would never do anything but fight him. It was my hate that defined me, and my love of myself that let me overlook it. I hated everything but myself.

I was tired, I admit it. When I didn't have my love as a crutch, all my hate became impossible to ignore. I hated my own horrible hypocrisy; how I was such a free-living speed demon and yet I relived the same thing day after day. I hated the people who worshipped me like their hero. They were sheep, they didn't think. They couldn't wake up long enough to realize that for all my heroics, I had nothing but hatred that fuelled me. I didn't do it for them, I did it for myself… and against everything.

I hated all of them, that had let me live my life convincing myself that I was so great. I hated Tails for being a servile little toad, always letting me take the spotlight. He was so great, why didn't he take some glory? I wouldn't have let him, that's why.

I hated Amy for never doubting me, never telling me to get myself together and get over myself. But she could never get over me, so she couldn't understand anything else. She never stopped to think, like I was just doing, never wondered why she loved me so much. Did she love me for presenting a challenge to her? Just like I loved her for the same reason, but came to hate her because all I had to do was change myself and she'd be mine? Had I hated her resistance, or my own fear of changing myself?

And I hated the people for loving me, for adding fuel to my pompous fire. I hated them because they were all fake. They loved my heroic behavior so much, but if I had shown my true nature, which was probably much closer to how they really were, they'd turn on me. As long as I was saving the world, I was hot news. But if I were to admit I was wrong, they'd turn away. Probably because they don't want to see repentance, don't want apology. Because they don't think they should have to apologize for their own repugnant behavior.

If I hated everyone who had let me love myself… did that mean I shouldn't love myself? Did that mean that I should never have loved anything? If they had been honest, should I have loved them for their honesty and hated myself because I knew their criticisms were right? But that was irrelevant. Nobody had been honest to me, everyone had loved what I represented… sort of like I'd loved what they represented. In the end, we formed a dual relationship, anybody and I. Tails saw in me what he wanted to become, I saw in him what I had used to be. Except I knew that I could have that again if I changed myself. Amy loved the challenge I represented, I loved the same in her. Except I knew that she wouldn't be a challenge if I changed myself. All I'd needed to do was change, and I'd have everything.

But I'd certainly changed, thinking this way. But now I didn't want any of that- I hated it. Was the solution to finding resolution not getting what I wanted all the time, but changing what I wanted? I had wanted everything for myself, like a petulant childish brat who loved himself. But that had changed.

So what do I want now?

I want truth and honesty. I want somebody to be more to me than a way for me to love myself. A challenge. Beating Robotnik was a challenge until it became routine. Now, I want someone or something that won't give me any ground, that won't concede anything to me. I want an equal, somebody who will temper my arrogance, and whose arrogance I can temper. And I want new challenges, something that won't let me win. And if I do win, at least I'll have a good reason to love myself, because I'm actually accomplishing something. As to a girl, we'll see. Amy won't ever be able to get over her crush on me. There's no one else I know. We'll have to see.

But in the meantime, I'm going to find Shadow and you. You'll give me that competition I want. You can be my conscience, and Shadow my challenge. Maybe I'll be someone new now. Will it be better than being ignorant and blissful? It might not be as fun. But at least nobody will be hiding anything from me. I'll have to work for my praise. And… maybe, once I find people who will treat me the way I want, I can find people worth fighting for.

Tell Shadow to meet us at Angel Island. The race is about to begin.

_Mecha Scorpion, 2004-2006._


End file.
